I now know you sacrificed a lot when you gave birth to me. I can’t even imagine how emotionally drained you were at that point; just before we were about to meet for the first time.
I’m sorry it took me so long to realise.
27 years to be precise.
It’s funny mama because I always tell people their children will appreciate them at some point in their 20’s. I guess I was preaching to myself.
You want to know how I came up with such a theory? So because I have not had you around, I’ve analysed a continuous pattern amongst friends and family who do have their mama.
It goes something like this:
A child is born and they are everything their mama could hope for. When they reach a certain age, they rebel against their mother. Some call their mother names; some lie and steal from her. Some disrespect her and some take advantage. Some blame her for the wrong choices she has made. Some despise her or even resort to hatred towards her. Some misunderstand her weeping for ranting.
Then when (the majority but not all) reach some point in their 20’s or when they had a kid of their own, realise their new sacrifices were their mama’s only option.
Upon reflection, they then begin to pour out and confess their love for their mama.
They acknowledge the struggle and hurdles their mother faced when raising them.
They feel bad now, however they know an adjustment in their behaviour will contribute to their repayment for their guilt. So mama, that’s how I’ve confidently been able to exercise my theory.
I must say, you actually have a pretty hard job, hats off to you. What is your coping mechanism though, I think it’s worth sharing.
It’s a shame I don’t know you more or enough. I really envy them all you know, those who have their mama around. Life can be so cliché because I wouldn’t be who I am today if I got to experience my whole life with you.
How do you really feel because they don’t paint you in the best light? I think I can feel you sometimes, you and your emotions. It must be that maternal instinct; the one between a mama and her child.
Life really is tough without you because they don’t understand me and I have no one to share this with. Maybe I don’t understand them, especially the part when they say they love their mama. The truth is, I haven’t experienced that. Saying “I love you mama” and really feeling it in my soul.
They often just blame me mama and tarnish my name because they don’t get why I am the way I am. They don’t understand why I just up and leave when they betray me.
They don’t understand that betrayal is a life deficit, one that I can’t afford. I know you get what I mean because that’s you too right?
Do people try to tell you to stop feeling the way you do, or advice you on life because they think they know what’s right for you?
Do you try to regain your power back when you feel as though they’ve stolen it?
When you feel completely enriched, do they drain you all over again?
Do you constantly feel alone and like your bleeding inside?
Do you want to give up sometimes?
What did he really do to you, because I’ve heard a few conflicting stories?
Did you love him more than you loved yourself? I heard you were both introduced through a family member; that was definitely news to me!
What do you really think of me? I know it’s a hard one because you don’t know me, but it would be good to know?
Can I tell you something very intriguing? So I know someone who took their own life and there were a number of alarming comments made from some.
“How could she do that,
She has children,
Couldn’t she talk to someone”
I said to them, some people don’t have the support that others do. Then they said look at you though (this was aimed at me). I followed up with saying, “how do you know I don’t feel the same way. Some people don’t have their mum to run to, they don’t have that bond”.
I then said, “what would you do if you didn’t have your mother”? Suddenly they changed their prospective. They paused and said, “don’t say that”. That right there said it all.
Don’t worry mama I wont reach that stage, I just wanted to share it with you.
It made me realise my strength without your presence.
The thought of their mama not being around completely crushed them.
I think I love you mama, well it’s inevitable right? You’re my mama so my love for you is the strongest type of love I will ever experience. It really is a shame ma, will I be able to tell you to your face or will it just be a wish. Who knows!
Sometimes I feel as though they are throwing the fact they have they’re mama and I don’t have mine in my face. No mama I’m not exaggerating, I am very sure.
You know what, many other mamas like me, they like who I am. They always tell me my mama must be so proud of me.
I think it’s because I am the well-behaved daughter they never had and I know just what to say. I see it in their eyes and they see it in mine. Even when I feel myself getting close to them, which could be by coincidence, deep down I know it’s overcompensation from my side.
I look for you in everyone’s mama. I need to rethink that method of approach because it doesn’t actually work.
I’ll have to hang on ma until we meet again.